took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
