Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
