I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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