I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
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I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
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I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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