So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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