he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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