Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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