just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
