According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
