pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
