I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
In other news, I just burned my penis
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
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