there's paper in my vomit.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
