RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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