I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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