I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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