Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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