the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
