when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
