I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
