singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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