I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
