im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
