i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
