I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
