this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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