The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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