Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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