I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
40s are totally the cure
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
