Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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