I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
