Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
the liver wants what the liver wants
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
