I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
