My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
