i can't believe i had my finger in that
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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