If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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