I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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