How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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