Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
