I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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