I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
