i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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