the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
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If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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