Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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