dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
