Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I want her autograph on my taint
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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