When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
