I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
