my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
