she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
