miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
