u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
wanna go halves on a baby?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
