Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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