i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize