found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Im part way to drunk.