I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize
