Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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