My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I need a hoe opinion
go on
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
