dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
