Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
