She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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