I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
