When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
