She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
