Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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