I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
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