Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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