Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
