My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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